On a slow Saturday afternoon, I decided to watch 9ice’s interview on Moments Girl Talk
as they addressed the issue of polygamy and divorce. I had so many
thoughts on my mind after this particular episode...
Our generation is one
that is pretty determined to challenge and correct most of the cultural
norms, but we would soon find out that most of these beliefs are deeply
rooted in our psyche that it would indeed take much more than a
revolution to combat them. Polygamy is an interesting topic because it
is culturally accepted, and some religions even sanction it. It is still
unclear whether the concept of polygamy is endorsed by Christianity, or
if its alternative monogamy, is reinforced by civilisation. After all,
all the cool people amongst us know that there is some kind of
un-nuanced perception towards polygamy today.
I know a lot of polygamous families
might seem fine on the outside but I reckon there is bound to be some
level of competition, envy and pain underneath. My mother keeps
recounting how her late mother struggled to come to terms with the idea
of abhorring a ‘junior wife’ for many years. My father, on the other
hand, narrates how his mother was married to his father by the Senior
wife. The latter narrative could be one out of a million cases!
Today, polygamy masks itself in
different forms. From the man who marries a woman and proceeds to
acquire a younger wife half way into the marriage, to the one who never
let go of his side chics although he had muttered the words ‘I do’ , to
the Babyboy who wants to be a single ‘jaiye jaiye’ boy and a married man
all the same time. Infact, the choices are indeed tough. One would
think this mentality should have died with our fathers at least. For
where? Don’t let the phonetics and fine boy swag fool you. On two
different occasions, I have had some guys rationalise polygamy to the
point of asking me to reason it out.
The first was ‘Mr X’, a potential suitor
who started a conversation one day about my views on relationships.
‘Your views are too strong’, he said. As for me, I don’t want a
mechanical marriage but if you are willing to let me sleep with someone
else, maybe we can be cool. O si o da ni ile pako!‘
Sorry if you are non-yoruba, but I
honestly cannot translate this quote’. Wetin, I wan talk for this matter
again because clearly it has come to this? The other one was an ex of
mine, who in his own wisdom started narrating how his new girlfriend
said it was ok for him to cheat – as long as she doesn’t know about it.
To be honest, I cannot recall what led to this conversation but this
particular response stunned me. Clearly, this life is not a Disney movie
o!
Mr X misunderstands my person because I
am pro-faithfulness and all things idealistic. Another part of me is a
realist who is not oblivious to the fact that life is not divided into
black and white especially when it comes to all things relationships. I
see two categories of men; Category A will cheat/ or slip up, will be
remorseful and repent. Category B, will do the same, albeit over and
over again and damn the consequences. Infact, they will be disrespectful
with it! To fall into the hands of Category B is slow suicide. My issue
with Mr X is that I don’t know if it is politically correct to endorse
adultery/cheating yet I applaud his honesty as it gave me clarity. At
least it is only a good thing for me to expect the best out of a
relationship/marriage as negativity breeds unnecessary trust issues that
will eventually kill a relationship. It is rather interesting to see
that too much optimism can ‘apparently’ be a bad thing.
Women are not exempt on the other side of these arguments too… afterall, it takes two to tango. Some years ago, I read ‘The Secret Life of Baba Segi’s Wives’
by Lola Shoneyin and although fictional, it was interesting to read the
narrative of an educated young woman, Bolanle who was Baba Segi’s third
wife. Clearly, there are women who will bid over and over again to be
second choices and options. Sadly, we would have zero control over their
decisions.
Yes, there will be men who at some point
would like to take a younger wife and I don’t have a problem with that…
Your Life, Your values! However, I think it is best you communicated
that to whoever you intend to marry or be with. It is only ideal that
you give her the fair chance to think her options through. And as for
the ladies, I guess there is no question that is too small to ask an
impending suitor, polygamy and cheating beliefs included… at least, you
will know what to expect.
Though, I still think this is an awkward
topic to discuss with a suitor but mr X has opened my eyes ooo. How do
you even go about it sef? Do you say something like… Toye, are you going
to cheat on me in the next 15 years? *hot tears* Or better still, you
cling to your faith and choose to believe the best (without being
naïve), as per… war room mode activated! If you have a better method of
circumventing these muddy waters, please comment below. Finally, to the
other guys out there like ‘Mr X’, it is never politically correct to
endorse cheating or adultery but if somewhere down the line you find
yourself in a sticky situation, please be willing to make the necessary
adjustments out of respect for your commitment rather than giving
ridiculous excuses.
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